Life is a Pain?


Hi everyone, title is something for thought kinda like is the glass, half full or half empty.  Well anyway this is my deal. On March 9-1988 I woke to go to work and did so and was out of town trip so we were on our way home passing through New Orleans which is where I live now.   We were sitting at a red light and was hit from behind by a person doing about, trooper estimate 45 mph., enough of an impact to make the van we were riding fly into the air and land on top of the person who had hit us. Well we landed on their hood.  I knew immediately that something was not right with my back from the pain that went from my head to toe.  I got out of truck and tried to stand and and stretch but could not.  My body was stuck in the position it was when I was sitting in, so I was stuck in a sitting position or bent.  I did not go to hospital out of frustration cause it took troopers about 3 1/2 to 4 hrs to get to accident. I was in a lot of pain but started drinking to help with the pain and wanted to get home to my bed and lay. I got home and called a local orthopedic and called for an appointment. I got appointment for the next morning and went then.  I basically tried to drink the pain away but to no avail I was up all night.

Doc put me in the hospital at that time. He had no doubts in his mind I had ruptured disc in lumbar area. I was self employed so had to guarantee payment myself.  They tried traction and it blew me thru the ceiling so they set me up for surgery and kept me full of morphine for a couple days.  On March 12, I had surgery, and what was done. I had a broken vertebrae so they took a piece of the broken vertebrae out and stapled me up and sent me home a week later with a bottle of pills. I found that my left leg would have terrible pain but other than that I thought the surgery was a success. I was doing things that I had done b4 surgery so thought I was good to go. As time passed the pain in my leg grew worse and worse. I was sent to a neurologist.

He did tests and one particular thing he did was stick a needle through my foot in the S1-L5 area and it went through. I had needles sticking out of the top and bottom of my foot and couldn't feel it; upset my stomach a bit but no pain from it. After doing all the lil electric needles in different areas of my leg determined that S1-L5 was shot . He sent a report to orthopedic to do surgery to correct this.  I agreed to this operation thinking it was going to correct the problem but no such luck. I had this surgery a yr. later and he did double leveled fusion from L4 to sacrum. The fusion took and I got tired of complaining with no results so just lived with the nerve damage pain, Doc giving me Lortab very sparingly with soma.

This was in 89 and with no kind of support from my x-wife at all learned to do these hospital trips alone. When I had this surgery my wife was in hospital giving birth to my daughter at the same time. I had to go back for my 1 week follow up after this surgery and did so. Had a friend bring me. When I returned from doc appointment I was in for a shock. My wife had packed up all my new 1 week old babies stuff and my 2 sons stuff and moved out without a note or clue to where they were going.  I was then learning how the mental and physical pain walked hand and hand. I hired a private investigator to find my children and wife and during this time was having a complete mental breakdown after being married for about 12 yrs to this woman.  My PI found her living with a drug dealer in about 2 weeks.  She then came around the house to discuss what had brought all this about and always ended up in a fight. One time she came I ran her off and we were outside and she was in a truck.We argued all the way of her leaving the driveway and she said something to me and it made me very mad.  I had been sitting home sick from all this, worried about my children and drinking a lot on top of meds. Well she pursued to leave but not till she had me mad enough that I had hit the truck window and then she sped away and I fell in the street and she ran over my right foot crushing it.

I dragged my way inside the house to call a family member to bring me to hospital. I had drank so much from back pains on top of meds that I don't remember much about it once I was at the hospital.  They did an 8 hr surgery to open my foot and ankle trying to piece it back together and added plates and screws and they really had no idea on what medication I had taken b4. They just thought I had been drinking so they put the anesthesia to me and what ever pain drugs they use while doing surgery. I was informed that I had flat lined twice during the operation is why it took so long. They had to stop surgery to revive me. I got out of hospital a few days later and it had been 3 weeks since back fusion and now had a cast up to my knee. I went home and with all the stuff that was going on just could not take care of myself  in that condition and just drank and took meds till I had total mental breakdown and was hospitalized so I had somebody to take care of me.  I got out in a month and had a lady friend who was helping me out cause my family thought I was crazy and for the most part, LOL I was.  I would not stay off my foot and sit home alone and and 3 months passed and had to have another surgery on my ankle to remove all the steel they put in from me walking on it I had waddled it all loose to where it did no good.

They then did a surgery and took bones out of my knee to fuse my foot and then wore a cast for a yr.cause it took so long to heal. Back surgery had fused but was still having pain and doc would give me a few pills every month or 2 for pain and soma for spasm for nerve damage. All the other time I suffered in pain. I would buy pain pills from friends who also had surgeries to try to keep me going through the times without but it never worked. I became a very hard drinker for pain due to lack of any. I struggled and did the best I could with what I had for a few yrs. from 89 to 92. My wife and I had reconciled for the sake of my children who were basically left homeless after the drug seller she moved with was arrested and put in prison.  I felt I had no choice but to let her back due to my 3 children and boy was I ever wrong.

Anyway my drinking got so bad in the beginning of 92 I went to hospital for family counseling and there was a new pain program that had started at this hospital.  I stayed 2 weeks for counseling and another 2 for pain management. While in hospital I found that psychiatrist would give me pain meds so I agreed to stay the month or 6 weeks it was. When it was time for me to leave, my wife had a restraining order put on me where I could not go home and doc would not release me cause I went crazy on this but eventually he had to let me leave after 63 days in.

I left hospital homeless and stressed to the max and constantly in pain. That is why I stated earlier that mental, emotional pain walks hand and hand with physical. It was happening to me over and over and was dx'ed with major chronic depression the first time I went in and still to this day it is a problem I deal with. I have been hospitalized for depression bouts at least a dozen times since I was hurt in this accident. I had filed for divorce again and was going out at night and went to a place one night and found out that the owner of the club was who my x-wife had been sleeping with while I was in the hospital. They all knew me but I didn't know all them and they surrounded me and took me outside.They all knew of my back history from her and the resumed to fighting with me and the largest of them grabbed me around the waist and threw me down while another put his boot in my back in the fusion area and needless to say broke my fusion and I was in the surgery boat again. I had to have another fusion done in 92. I saw my doc for 2 yrs till 94. During this time I was sick of being labeled disabled and limited to what I could do.

If I was to live in pain with little pain meds to work with I went into a out patient pain program for about a yr and a half and did very good while I was there. I started swimming a lot and after toning up from that started working out everyday in gym.Yes it was painful but got to the point that I could kick off endorphins almost at will or knew what it took to do it and how long it would take. I did this for 2 yrs with the same very little pain meds and what ever psych. could give me to help.  In 94 when I stopped seeing my orthopedic he told me that everything was fine and he could do nothing for pain.  I was then sent on the journey of pain docs trying all their BS on me to help with pain.  I saw one pain guy who gave me all kinds of meds to try but it was a non narcotic regiment. He did 3 injections a week and gave me all kinds of pills that made me sick and ate up my insides to no end.

After telling him the shots were doing me no good and the meds just kept making me sick he sent me down the road to my next pain doc.  He did try to help for a while.He tried injections to no avail again and did a surgery with spinal stimulator that was planted in my back with wires coming out and a lil thing like a TENS to plug into. If it worked it would have been planted permanently but to my disappointment it was about a 50/50 trial where it did good some but most would disrupt the nerve damage and get it throbbing.  I was also treated with meds, though not enough of a dose to continue and they were fast acting so every four hrs. I was craving more and more meds.  Another surgery to take stimulator out was there also. Doc had then tried oxycontin in low doses and worked them up to 2-40 mgs a day but my tolerance was so high it left me in pain and was chipping away at my mental and emotional state.  My physical state was deteriorating. He sent me to an orthopedic and this doc determined I had a failed fusion which created much pain.

It all came tumbling down one night where my self worth was 0, my emotional state was broken, my pain was going thru the ceiling, my mental status was crazy as bat shit cause nobody would help me and nobody understood.  I came home loaded a rifle and turned in to my heart and pulled the trigger and went out. I woke up in ICU and was sick from what I had done. Lucky to be alive cause I used a rifle and it is hard to aim a rifle pointed at your own chest.  Missed all vital organs by fractions and lived.

My wife I have now is a wonderful woman who has stuck by me through all this insanity.  I continued to see this pain doc who was scared to death of me told me to get my pain meds from him which my psych agreed to do. I went about 6-7 months with bullet and fragments in my chest. They did no surgery for fear of cutting on any vital organs I missed when I shot. They said they left well enough alone. In the shot I severed the nerves that controlled the bicep muscle in my arm and could not use it for much of anything. I had surgery to repair nerve damage from gun shot in Feb98 and have had steady progress since. Still have neck, back, leg with nerve damage, ankle and knee from surgery I had on it in 85.

During the summer of 98, I had 2 heart attacks which I found out about in Nov. of last yr. when I had tests done and it was found. I was having unbearable pain and doc was still only giving me oxy 40 mg twice a day. I had to sometimes take 3 a day and doc said that I was selling pills. I told him people who have chronic pain do not sell drugs and ya'll know what I mean. After seeing this doc for 3 yrs. I know now that he had it planned to drop me cause he had me sign a contract one of my second to last visit and dropped me with allegations of selling my meds the next visit and cut me off. This gave me a very hard time cause I was cut cold turkey and tried to last out to spend Thanksgiving with family and my kids but couldn't make it and ended up in hospital to detox which I am now getting outrageous bills from and my attorney is trying to help me get files to go after him for cutting meds with no cause and slander for labeling me a seeker after he treated me 3 yrs.  It caused me to go 3 months without any meds in which I suffered greatly and tried to get 3 different pain docs and they refused to write meds for me because of his lies.

My Psychiatrist hooked me up with the doc I have now who immediately gave me a 5-40mg oxy a day prescription and has continued to increase for my tolerance. They got reports of MRI's that the old doc had done showing failed fusion and degenerative disc disease and in my neck found every disc was damaged, 5 moderately and 2 severely. Doc now has me up to 7-40mg pills a day. When he got meds to right level I realized I had been in severe depression for at least the last 4 yrs. I now am able to do things I have never done for yrs. I now have insurance co. who will only allow me 7 pain pills a day and am used to taking 7 a day. When I run out I will have the detox to deal with again. I am trying to see doc b4 I leave for Fla. in a few days to get Methadone so I can pay for it if insurance won't.  He is now having me see an orthopedic to see if anything or any further surgery can help lumbar area and then going to have my neck fixed. Has not been a picnic and a whole lot of suffering due to docs neglect and outright unethical behavior. Sorry to take so long but this has been an 11 yr journey to hell and my life has never been the same since March 9-1988. I feel this has all been due to negligence of docs to give me ample meds to deal with pain.

What is a person to do when life has been like this for 11 yrs.  Now I have a doc who does what ever he can for me and insurance steps in not wanting to pay for meds claiming that this is to high a dose. Quite sure they have gone to government stipulations to pay only 4 pills a day when they have been paying 7 a day since doc got dose up several months ago so I could get relief.  Mean while I am left to suffer.

Thank You and God Bless you all.  A pain free day if possible is short of a miracle.

Love and Hugs,